Starving Myself to the Point of Extreme Hunger

I have this problem. I am unintentionally starving myself. I say unintentionally because if there was food in front of me, I would very much eat it, but yet at the same time, I can't get myself to go down to the kitchen and get a snack. The reason for this is not laziness, but rather a sense of fear, or I'm not sure that is the right word. I believe I can't go down to the kitchen and get food because I feel like it would be rude of me. This has been an issue I've been dealing with for three years since my dad got remarried and we moved into a new home.

You see, our kitchen is connected to the living room, so almost always there is someone down there. I just feel like it is rude of me to get something to eat while someone is in the same space. I don't want to offend them. I almost never eat breakfast, nor lunch for that matter because of this. I only eat dinner because I am called down and we eat as a family. Which to be honest, is also difficult for me because there is very little talking, and it just feels awkward eating together. So, eating sucks for me.

I want to go down right now, but my step-grandma is cooking dinner right now. We probably won't eat for another three hours, but I just can't get myself to go down there when someone is cooking. Mind you, she sometimes starts cooking meals hours before we actually eat. As long as someone is in the kitchen or living room, it is an extraordinary challenge for me to go down there, no matter how hungry I get.

I believe I am not the only autistic with this issue. Travis Breeding mentioned a similar phenomenon in his memoir "I Want to Be Like You." But, in his case, he was afraid to go to the locker because he felt like he was intruding on other people's spaces. I feel the same way, but at home. I just can't go down there. Heck, I can't even watch TV because I fear that if someone else comes down to watch TV then I am intruding on whatever it is that they wanted to watch. 

To be honest, I don't really feel at home at home. And, yes, those words are meant to repeat. Read the sentence again if you didn't understand. Like I said earlier, my dad got remarried, and I don't know, I guess I feel like it is her home. I don't know what to do. I've lived her for three years, and I don't know what is proper and what is not proper. It sucks that I don't want to intrude on people's space to the point that I end up starving myself. I want to eat. I am hungry. I love food, but man it is a challenge for me to find the courage or whatever it is to go down there and not feel like I am doing something wrong.

I know the issue lies in me, but I have no idea what it will take to overcome this. Perhaps, moving out on my own. Then, I will know the space is mine, and I will have no issue going to to the kitchen to get some food.

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Stimming: Everything You Need to Know

Many people with autism have some sort of stimming behavior including myself. This can come in the form of hand-flapping, rocking, and sometimes the repetition of key words. Stimming means self-stimulation. Stimming is an action that one often takes to bring comfort, release anxiety, or pleasure to themselves. Many adults without autism even engage in stimming behaviors such as tapping a pencil or chewing one's nails. In the case of the person without autism, the stimming behavior is usually less noticeable than in someone with autism.

I still stim today as an adult with autism. I have become more conscious of my stimming behaviors and avoid flapping my hands  in public, or put my hands behind my back and twiddle my fingers in rapid movements where no one can see. However, many times when I'm in my bedroom with myself I stim often. Usually, I have to have something in my hands while I stim because the tactile sensation adds another layer of pleasure to the stimming action. As a child, the tactile sensation came in the form of my G.I. Joe action figures. As an adult, I often require a comic book in my hand while I stim which in turn destroys the comic. Good thing for Free Comic Book Day which supplies me with comics once a year worth no value that I can destroy all I want.

Why Does One Stim?

The primary reason I stim is that first of all, there is a very strong urge to stim and that urge is very hard to control. Even for me, I require a great deal of willpower to stop myself from stimming. Often, stimming brings me great pleasure and excitement. I find stimming to be a very fun activity to do. I feel as if a great adrenaline rush is moving all throughout my body. If I'm excited, stimming causes me to become more excited and absorbed with whatever thoughts are going through my mind and the more I stim, the more excited I become.

In addition, I sometimes stim if I am bothered by depressing thoughts or negative events. Oftentimes, this stimming action will cause the energy of my depressing thoughts to transform into excitement. However, on rare occasions, stimming will actually intensify the level of depression.

Actually, if I'm feeling any emotion with intensity, stimming can cause me to either intensify that emotion or feel great excitement.

And, one other reason that I sometimes stim is that it just brings me comfort. It is like receiving a hug from someone that you love.

Interesting tidbit: Many times when working on my blog, I start to flap my hands because of how excited I am to be sharing my experiences with everyone.

Anyway, I hope this entry was helpful to you. If you have any questions, please be sure to leave a comment. Thanks. :)

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