Starving Myself to the Point of Extreme Hunger
Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 5:26PM I have this problem. I am unintentionally starving myself. I say unintentionally because if there was food in front of me, I would very much eat it, but yet at the same time, I can't get myself to go down to the kitchen and get a snack. The reason for this is not laziness, but rather a sense of fear, or I'm not sure that is the right word. I believe I can't go down to the kitchen and get food because I feel like it would be rude of me. This has been an issue I've been dealing with for three years since my dad got remarried and we moved into a new home.
You see, our kitchen is connected to the living room, so almost always there is someone down there. I just feel like it is rude of me to get something to eat while someone is in the same space. I don't want to offend them. I almost never eat breakfast, nor lunch for that matter because of this. I only eat dinner because I am called down and we eat as a family. Which to be honest, is also difficult for me because there is very little talking, and it just feels awkward eating together. So, eating sucks for me.
I want to go down right now, but my step-grandma is cooking dinner right now. We probably won't eat for another three hours, but I just can't get myself to go down there when someone is cooking. Mind you, she sometimes starts cooking meals hours before we actually eat. As long as someone is in the kitchen or living room, it is an extraordinary challenge for me to go down there, no matter how hungry I get.
I believe I am not the only autistic with this issue. Travis Breeding mentioned a similar phenomenon in his memoir "I Want to Be Like You." But, in his case, he was afraid to go to the locker because he felt like he was intruding on other people's spaces. I feel the same way, but at home. I just can't go down there. Heck, I can't even watch TV because I fear that if someone else comes down to watch TV then I am intruding on whatever it is that they wanted to watch.
To be honest, I don't really feel at home at home. And, yes, those words are meant to repeat. Read the sentence again if you didn't understand. Like I said earlier, my dad got remarried, and I don't know, I guess I feel like it is her home. I don't know what to do. I've lived her for three years, and I don't know what is proper and what is not proper. It sucks that I don't want to intrude on people's space to the point that I end up starving myself. I want to eat. I am hungry. I love food, but man it is a challenge for me to find the courage or whatever it is to go down there and not feel like I am doing something wrong.
I know the issue lies in me, but I have no idea what it will take to overcome this. Perhaps, moving out on my own. Then, I will know the space is mine, and I will have no issue going to to the kitchen to get some food.
Reader Comments (5)
I understand not wanting to intrude upon others spaces. I feel that way about some conversations and social occasions.
But, this has me worried. I consider you one of my friends, and knowing that you are not getting enough nutrition bothers me. I hope you can overcome this or are able to move out on your own. Starving yourself, or any eating disorders that causes one to lack nutrition in his or her system, is dangerous to your body as you may know.
I went through stages of bulimia in my mid-teens, and I have an older sister who battled anorexia. It can damage your insides. I do not mean to annoy you or cause you freight, but I am concerned. I really hope you overcome this, please.
Melissa is right that you can do some damage to your organs by depriving them of good nutrition so I do hope that you can figure out a solution. Maybe if you can't move out anytime soon then perhaps you could go to therapy in order to help you get beyond this obstacle.
You have every right to enter unannounced into any non-private space where your family members are present, at any given time, unless specifically asked otherwise. These are shared spaces; it is expected of everyone to enter at both necessity and leisure. It's your INHERENT right to take a meal when you'd like, and to feel comfortable in your own space.
Perhaps, if you don't mind the suggestion (from someone who did the exact same thing with multiple roomates in the past, before realizing it's a 'mind'-thing and not a 'place'-thing); take baby steps with allowing the honest truth to sink in that it isn't impeding on anyone's space to simply grab a bit to eat, or even to sit down with them in the living room when they're watching television. That's why they're called 'common living spaces'! Keep a similar thought on the forefront of your mind, "I am no more or less entitled to coexist comfortably and assert my space here than anyone else in this household."
Have you considered that perhaps it is a gift and opportunity to be able to come in and ask to help your grandma with dinner, or share a possibly valuable conversation with her? Regardless if you're comfortable with that idea or not, what IS certain that your family members would be quite upset if they knew you were avoiding eating for their sake.
What family member would want that for their loved one, or what person for that matter? I GUARANTEE that they'd much, much rather have you there- and eating- then find out that you're avoiding the kitchen because you think it's somehow direspecting their space.
...PERIOD. You're much too intelligent to fall for self-limiting thinking, Arman.
I think I can share some experience for moving out and lived alone, since I am. The freedom comes with a price, although you may not need to face this dilemma anymore, but there will be more challenges ahead. Like you need to regulate the time table on your own (believe me its hard when you lived alone), you can be overwhelmed by the neighbors more than your families (since you're more likely to live at an apartment than a stand-alone building), etc. And you may have to eat outside for most of the time (cooking is a challenge too). But over all, if you are used to them, it will be much more at easy and beneficial. And probably a good bonus for a new chapter in life.
Arman, I understand that this is a social anxiety you have that some of us "neurotypicals" may never understand. But at the very least, you should keep snacks and shelf-stable food in your room for convenience so you do not get super hungry. Just a suggestion. :)