Dating
Monday, October 4, 2010 at 10:11PM I have discussed dating in many of my YouTube videos. Sometimes, I have good days where I can approach women, and other days, I am quite scared of confrontation with members of the opposite gender. Today, was one of those days. I actually did approach this girl, but it was to tell her to tell her manager thank you for allowing me to run my autism group at their store. Though, even before I approached this girl, I thought she was quite attractive and very much my type. I don't know, I sensed that she may have had some interest in me. But, I just didn't know how to carry the conversation further, and I was a little afraid of rejection. I guess it is okay where I left things as I am sure I will see her again next week for my autism group. Often, I feel as if women don't want to give me a chance and that brings me down. I just wish that women knew everything there was to know about me ahead of time. Because women treat me like just another guy, and I am not another guy. This is frustrating as it seems that women aren't often willing to give me a chance to get to know me. And, to be honest, I feel as if it is wrong to approach women and show an interest in them. I feel as if any type of flirting or asking someone out for even a small date like coffee is something morally wrong. There are so many conflicts for me when it comes to dating that it is very crazy. I don't know what to think. Any feedback would be appreciated. Please feel free to post comments.
Reader Comments (5)
As the parent of a child with autism, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can help my son navigate the dating world as he gets older. One thing that strikes me again and again is that the issues that people with autism are concerned about are really things that EVERYBODY is concerned about, though perhaps not quite to the same degree. I don't think that I know any guy who doesn't struggle with having the confidence to approach a girl he finds attractive or who doesn't have a fear of rejection, so I think that at these times you should remember that it is not necessarily autism that is causing you to feel this way. It sounds like it went fine for a first meeting. Now that she is more familiar with you, she may even respond better next time because she'll be more comfortable. You said you felt like she was interested, so I think it's worth pursuing further.
As a woman, I will say that confidence is a big deal when it comes to approaching a woman that doesn't know you. A guy who is confident, or at least appears to be, will fare much better. Seeming hesitant can make a guy come off as desperate -- or worse -- creepy. My advice would just be to keep the conversation lighthearted and focused on her. What are her interests, what does she like to do, etc. Ask if she has plans for the coming weekend and if she says "no," that's a great opportunity to ask her out for coffee.
I was surprised to read about your feeling that flirting or asking a woman out is "morally wrong." Could you elaborate on why you feel that way?
Thank you for your comments. I know everything that you are telling me. Though, it is one thing to know what to do and another to put those ideas into action. That is your comments about how to go about asking her coffee, etc.
The reason I see it as a moral wrong is that I feel showing an interest in someone is not a good thing to do. I feel as if it is disrespectful to show an interest in someone else. I feel as if showing an interest in someone will make them upset. I feel as if that it can be insulting to try and strike a conversation with a member of the opposite gender. I feel as if that no matter what, that whomever I talk to will judge me and allow societal perceptions of what guys are like and not give me a chance to get to know me. That is why I feel it is morally wrong to approach a woman that I may have an interest in.
Arman, thank you for sharing a personal story about asking a girl on a date as it is something that I, a 21 year old male, relate to.
It can be very difficult to ask a girl on a date, but it is not morally wrong. Girls want to be asked on dates (and often feel that it is culturally wrong for them to do the asking). If you agree that girls want to be asked on dates, couldn't you say it's morally wrong to not ask? At least give them an option to say yes.
I believe in open communication, as you do. This means just saying our feelings.
If she does't know how you feel, she can't communicate back.
And besides, yes or no, the feeling of asking a girl for coffee will be fantastic. You will learn by taking action. And besides, it will give you a story to tell your groups.
Lastly, you said that you would prefer a girl know everything about you before you meet her. I agree. I think if a girl knew everything about me, she would want to go on a date. But since this is not realistic, and we are learning how to get dates in the real world, we need to understand that it takes a date to get to know people. That is why girls want to go on dates. They want to get to know you. To them, the first date isn't even a date- it's just the getting to know you. There is no pressure until you ask a girl out the second time.
So, next time you want to ask a girl for coffee, I recommend you think about drinking it black and bold. Extra bold.
Ask not what you can do to ask a girl on a date, but what asking a girl on a date can do for you, yes or no.
Very good words, and well thought out. Thank you Mr. Coffee Drinker. :)
Again, had to comment on this one. Man, you ARE "just another guy." Yes you have autism. But Bob over there had depression--he hit on the girl. Sam over there has narcolepsy--he hit on the girl. John over there has a limp--he hit on the girl. My point is that all guys have their unique issues. That is just human nature. If the girl didn't give you a chance, it is her loss. Move on to the next girl.
Dude, I had my first date at age 26. I had money, looks, intelligence, and all that, but it didn't matter early on. I am not autistic, but I fought bipolar for a long time (bouts of severe anxiety prevented me from approaching women). I probably didn't have the fundamental instinctive communication issues you have, but my anxiety clearly warped my brain when it came to my perception of approaching women. After forcing myself to face my fear, I am now happily married (found my wife after 4 years of dating various women), with a 2 year-old son (diagnosed with autism, thus why I visited your site) with one more kid on the way.
Women are people. They have their own likes and dislikes. The fact that this one decided you weren't interesting enough for her says more about her than you. Maybe she disliked you, maybe she was breaking up with someone, or maybe she had bad gas. Who knows? The risk was worth it. Just keep on taking bold, painful risks approaching women until you go numb and jaded....and then finally when you will realize how stupid it all is, you will find her.
Oh, and morally wrong--I like that. I know what you are saying, but the dating scene is not morally wrong; the truth you see is that dating is stupid. Stay focused on the STUPID. It will conquer your fear.